I'm trying really hard to be brave and strong... this isn't easy.
I've had to part with some of my most cherished cameras and accessories this month to pay our bills. This has been harder than I thought it would be. I know, it's just stuff, stuff that can be replaced... but actually that stuff wasn't easy to get in the first place, and it's not like it can just be replaced whenever.  It was an important part of my life, an outlet for my creativity where I felt like I had more control than I do with my drawing or painting.

I keep telling myself it's worth it. And I know it is. I love it here so much. Our family is so happy here. Every day my children say in their family prayers how thankful they are to have this "wonderful home to live in". I know it's kind of materialistic, and that things that really don't matter are houses and we could find happiness anywhere, but this home has the possibilities of legacy. This is a place my children can bring their families to for days at a time. It's a place where my grandchildren will be excited to come to and stay for weekends or even weeks and they will love it here. It's a place that will gather my family together for generations. That's what is the most important about it, to me. And that is worth more than a million cameras.

Woo Hoo!

My triage team got the best score (90%) in a mock scenario of an accident with several victims. Woot! That's good because it was really hard to get three women with busy lives together to do it!  And I got the best score in the class for two of the three final exams. Not tooting my horn, but I'm really pleased because I always feel like I'm not doing good enough or learning everything I am supposed to. I'm glad it's something I can use in the future to help someone if I'm needed, and hopefully I don't screw it up!

Okay

I had some diagnostic stuff done this month, and I'm glad I did. I got initiated into the 40 and up women's club and had a mammogram done, that came back clear. I also had a tube down my throat to discover why I'm having pain in my abdomen and why food gets stuck, etc. I posted about that before this post. I'm back on my happy pills so I'm feeling more relaxed.

We are still trying to sell our other house. It's getting discouraging for me. It's been on the market for almost a year now and things in our home are getting so tight I'm having to sell off some of my most prized photography things. This makes me feel really sad. I'm glad I have my medications to help me through this, or I'd be a complete wreck.  Especially since I'm having a shooting bug again, and I haven't had it in so long, I never thought it would come back.Today I sold one of my favorite lenses. It was hard to let go of it but I have so many bills going unpaid now, there's really no other option at this point.

I know it was the right thing to do to move our family here. I know this is where we need to be. I just don't know what lesson I'm supposed to get from all the trouble and problems we are having selling our other house. If giving up my photography helps us stay here, then I guess that's what I have to do. I just wish it wasn't so painful. Didn't someone once say, "no pain, no gain"? Maybe that's what I have to go through to earn the peace and joy I feel here.

I have another showing on Saturday. Maybe this will be the buyer we've been needing! I hope!

Diagnosis: Hiatal Hernia

Finally some answers to some of my medical issues. Monday I went to a GI specialist and had an upper GI scan done. They found out I have a hiatal hernia. This means the top of my stomach is pushed through the diaphragm and is interfering with normal digestion and flow of food.  He said that for some reason my stomach is higher than normal. (I can take a wild guess why! two 8+ and one 9+ pound babies, maybe?) I have to learn to eat several small meals a day and to limit water with meals. I also have to learn to avoid foods that cause high acid in the stomach. I'm trying to learn more about it and how to take care of myself better.



I've dealt a lot in the last couple of years with chronic fatigue. As I've been looking up the hernia symptoms and such I've come across a lot of people mentioning fatigue as their symptoms, but non of the mentions seem to be on medical websites. So it doesn't look like it's substantiated, but I wonder if that's why I am so tired all the time, along with the depression. No doubt depression causes it too.I've brought up the fatigue with my doctor, but she didn't seem to be concerned about it. But it's bad enough to be troubling to me.

It sucks when you don't feel good on the inside, and people can't see how you really feel. People expect you to always be the same, but it's hard. There are days I feel like being out and about, and then there are days that I feel tired, I feel exhausted, I don't feel like being around people, I don't feel like being friendly and conversationally fun. I have aches and pains that don't make sense. I have poor mind clarity.

 I remember seeing a commercial once a long time ago, and I wish they played it now, because I think everyone can use the reminder. It was about depression and if only people could see the "bruises" we have on the inside, then they'd be more understanding.

I'm back on my happy pills, plus some new ones, that are supposed to help the migraines. So far I'm doing better than I was last week. The kids are happier with me too. I think I'd be feeling even better if the heat we are having right now wasn't so oppressive.