I haven't cried (for no reason) for over a year. You see, I've had some happy pills that have made me very relaxed and unemotional, and it's been heaven. Really heaven. I haven't wished for horrible things to happen to me. I haven't crazily hated someone from some minuscule thing they've done. I haven't been judgemental of anyone. It's been so nice.

But now I'm out of my happy pills, and my doctor is over 60 miles away, and she only gave me one month supply the last time I called, and the bill for my last visit went to collections because I didn't have money to pay for it. I just got it paid, 10 months late.

It's been a week, and I'm emotional. Actually I was very emotional Sunday during sacrament, more than the usual testimony meeting emotional. I needed tissues. I haven't needed tissues in sacrament for a long time. A year maybe.

Today I sat in the cafeteria at school and across the room was a young man that reminded me of Jacob. I feel like crying. I miss that kid so much. I feel so out of touch with him. I hate that. He'd been my sidekick, my partner in crime, my best friend (besides Joel) for 18 years.  I feel like I'm missing a limb.  I worry that he won't go on his mission. I worry that he doesn't want to and he just says he does because he knows we want him to. I keep checking with him, asking him if he wants to go. He says he does. But he's very slow doing anything to get ready for it. He isn't saving much. He isn't getting his records transferred to the singles ward. He isn't going to temple prep classes, or making arrangements with his job so he can stay three hours at church. He has been annoyed when I ask him about getting his patriarchal blessing saying he will do it before his mission.

 All of this is making me emotional, and I don't know if it's because of my lack of happy pills or because I'm really concerned about him. Either way, this is the first time I've felt like having a good cry in over a year.